|Then the day is over, television will give some relief, and occupy my mind. 11:00 is coming soon. It will be time to go to sleep. This thought brings back the terror. For you know that when they catch up with you, you will be sleeping. You know you need sleep so you can do your job tomorrow. But the idea of going to sleep is overwhelming. So you sit in front of the TV. You begin to dose off. You catch yourself. You fight sleep.Why?
You know that one day they will catch up with you and lock you up in the nut ward. You just know that when they come it will be at night when you are sleeping. So you fight sleep at all costs.
This has been going on since childhood. For a time alcohol dealt with this and allowed me to go to sleep, Alcohol was not consistent in its relief, it also raised another set of problems that compounded the state of anxiety. When you are sitting in this hopelessness. Any relief is better then none, so you drink.
I get some hope and put down the drink. The advice I get is “When In Doubt Don’t”. If you have any doubt about what you plan to do. Do not do it. This looked like a real bogey man. Scared me to death. So I told John my thoughts “If I do not act nothing will happen. He told me that, that was not the case. By not acting on thoughts that I had doubts about, this would call the bogey man out into the open and shed light on him. And shinning light on the bogey man makes him disappear. John would say “what do you have to lose by trying this”.
My life was in such a shambles. How do you argue with this logic. The strength came from remembering where you have come from. If you do not keep moving forward, you will go back.
So, the journey of standing still starts. Here you are Lefty, at a stop sign. Which way do you go? Confused, do what John said, just sit here to you know. Trying to know which way to go. All of a sudden, a horn blows. Someone behind me wants to go. All doubt leaves and I make a left turn.
You will always be at an intersection in your life. You are always making a desicion. Do this for 7 days, your life will change. This process will become easier and faster.
You have made a choice to put a new entree on your mental diet. “When In Doubt Don’t”