I had lost control of my mind. It would race and it went where every it wanted to go. I had deteriorated to being overwhelmed by my thoughts. Fear had gotten a firm grip on my mind and emotions. It was crippling.
At this point you are in a downward spiral. The anxiety is gaining momentum. Depression is setting in. The only thing you can think of to combat this, is to think of how you got to this point and what you need to do to get back on track. Your mind races from one thought to another. Every once in a while you come up with a positive thought. Instantly it is gone. And the racing starts again.
I could not hold a thought. When I read, by the time I got to the end of a sentence, I forgot how it started. It was frustrating. I told John that this reading was not working. He said “what do you mean it is not working”? I can not remember what I read. His response to this ” I did not tell you to remember anything. Just to read the book. Start at the first word, then read the second word then…. till you get to the end.
The battle for control of my mind, looking through my eyes, seemed to be a lost cause. The truth was that I was winning the battle. Without someone to guide me out of the maze in my mind, the battle would have been lost. Albert Einstein said ” you can not cure the sick mind with the mind that created the problem”. Going it alone does not work.
Constantly looking for the reasons why I was like this. John would tell me stories like. Lets get the Jackass out of the ditch and on his way. Then if there is time we can figure out why the Jackass ran into the ditch. 20 years later still not sure why I ran into the ditch.
Well I seem to have a style like Jean Sheperd. Starting with a point to be made at the beginning of the show. Then wondering off for 40 minutes to making the point right before the show ends.
One Saturday at a garage sale, picked up the book 3 Little Pigs. Standing there I read the book through. It was easy to read. Pictures took up most of the page. A sentence or two at the bottom. Amazed, saying to myself, you just read that book and remembered everything. LIt up like a Christmas tree, success does that for us, I made a decision to buy that book and read children’s books for my answers and guidance.
The Three Little Pigs made perfect sense to me. I had a choice to make. Which type of house was I going to build. The Little Engine That Could told me to never, never, never, ever give up.